Tired of Being Sad and Lonely

It seems as though I’ve had the lion’s share of sadness lately.  In the grand scheme of things I know that there are plenty of people in the world who have more to complain about than I.  But that doesn’t help on the evenings when I’m caught in the endless spin cycle of my own mind.

There are external influences at play as well as internal ones.  I am sad because of other people and the situations they create for themselves and for me.  I am sad because of my inability to end negative things and embrace positive ones.  I’m sad because my optimistic outlook is starting to lose its shine.

I don’t like feeling this way.  It makes me feel like a fraction of myself.  Then I end up susceptible to false hopes and empty promises.  And those certainly do know to lighten my mood or restore my faith in humanity.

There are positives in my life.  That goes without saying.  The Fiend is amazing and I am incredibly grateful for her.  I have wonderful friends who have been there for me time and again when I have needed them.  My parents are supportive and loving.  I am surrounded by some of the most fantastic people on the planet.

Which is why it is so odd to me that part of the sadness arises out of a feeling of loneliness.  It is as though there is a small empty space that simply isn’t being filled.  And even though it is small, I can’t help but be constantly aware of it. 

I’m running myself ragged trying to stay busy enough to be distracted.  Piling activity on top of activity until there is barely any room to breathe in any given day.  Then I just end up tired.

The difficulty is I don’t know what is causing this space.  I don’t know how to fill it.  I haven’t been successful in ignoring it.  I’ve yet to figure out how to live with it.

I don’t want to feel bitter and jaded.  I don’t want to expect the worst of everyone.  I don’t want to feel as though hope is for fools and love is a joke.

But I am starting to and I don’t know how to stop.

Frustrations Galore

I really believe in the idea of like attracting like.  I believe that when it rains it pours.  At least I do today.  Especially today. 

It seems that once one issue surfaces several others will rear their ugly heads.  If one person yells at you, rest assured they are just the first.

Now if I have made serious and egregious errors I have no problem taking my lumps.  But when someone has a temper tantrum about something over which I have no control, well then I get a bit pissy.

At work I have to deal with attorney far more often than I would like.  In fact I would like to never have to deal with attorneys.  I dropped out of law school to get away from them.  Attorneys have a tendency to call and yell at people about things that person can’t change.  Even better is when they call to yell at a person about something that is entirely the attorney’s fault.  But wait, you say, attorneys are never at fault.  Well if you believe that you must be an attorney.

I had to suffer this particular injustice this morning.  I came in to a very politely worded email from one of the wonderful attorneys that we work with regularly to let me know about a potential issue.  This guy was great, kind, not at all accusatory, reasonable, patient.  The issue was complicated and is still in the process of being resolved which makes it far from fun.  But the guy is being pleasant and even appreciative about it so it’s bearable.

There was another minor attorney question that was easily handled immediately after that.  Then there was an unpleasant human resources issue.  This was all before 10 am.  As you can imagine, I was pretty fried.

And then there was the phone call.

This particular attorney has been working with us for a while.  He has always seemed to be reasonable, and in most circumstances probably is.  But today he asked for something that I am not allowed to do by a regulator.  And somehow that was my fault.  Legal action was threatened.  Exasperated sighs were issued.  Opportunities to address questions were not given.  Demands that his displeasure be communicated to my boss were directed.  He essentially told me he was going to go tell my regulator.

But again, I couldn’t help him because of my regulator.  I kept trying to explain my position, but to no avail.  The call ended rather abruptly, neither of us pleased with the result.

Despite my early post vitriol against attorneys, the majority of those we work with are good people who try to do right by their clients.  They are regular people just trying to do their job.  Most of them are respectful and friendly.  They are reasonable and easy to work with. 

More than likely this guy is as well.  This was probably a case of I had been running around putting out fires all morning and was a bit fried coupled with his day not going as planned and became explosive.  In another circumstance we might have come to a perfectly amiable solution to the issue.

I am in the process of learning to become better at communicating with others.  Part of that is listening.  Perhaps this was a lesson in listening.  It is possible that if I were open to what he was saying I would have been able to come up with a solution that worked for everyone.  If I had heard what he was trying to communicate beyond what he was saying.

Or maybe he was just a jerk and the lesson was that some people are just unpleasant.  I know that in a few hours I’ll be a fan of the first.  At this moment I’m still pissy, so for right now I’m going to go with the second.