Happiness Is…

A good friend and I were having a conversation about happiness.  I told him, “My life might be crazy a lot of the time, but I am, for the most part, happy.”

 

Then I realized how true a statement it was.  When I step away from the events or situations that have caused difficulty or pain I feel a deep contentment.  I have beautiful daughter, fantastic friends and supportive family.  I have a safe home, clean water to drink, healthy food to eat and many amenities that other citizens of the planet consider to be luxuries.  I do my best to be a good person and although I am far from perfect, I am good enough.

 

Everybody experiences hardship.  Everybody experiences sadness.  Everybody experiences frustration.  I have clung to those emotions and made my world about them at certain points in my life.  But what became clear to me last night is happiness is not the absence of those emotions, it is the acceptance of them.  And not a defeated “my life is total crap” acceptance.  A “how would I appreciate the light without the dark” acceptance. 

 

Happiness is not:

 

·         A geographic location

·         who you are with

·         what you own

·         where you have traveled

 

Happiness is:

 

·         a state of mind

·         who you are

·         what you have accomplished

·         peace in your heart

·         acceptance in your mind

·         comfort in your skin

·         love of yourself

 

Nobody can give it to you and nobody can take it away.  You are responsible for your own and no one else’s.  If you do not care for it, you may lose it.  If you nurture it, it will grow.  I for one am recommitting to fostering my own happiness.  I think we all should.

The Machinations of the Human Heart

 The heart is a fickle thing, prone to fits of passion.  It does not respond well to logic or reason.  It has no use for accountability or consequences.  It is an organ which does not play nicely with the other organs, especially the brain.

 

The heart will forge on blindly even though all indications point toward liberally applying the brakes.  When it seems as though the smartest thing to do would be to walk away before you are hurt, the heart plants it’s feet and refuses to budge.  In situations which are clearly best left alone, the heart pushes pokes and prods.

 

The heart is a tender thing, a wellspring of great joy and contentment.  It is the source of the sweetness of new love.  It is the keeper of acceptance and peace.  It is an organ awash in optimism.

 

The heart will burn hotly for a person deemed worthy.  When it seems as though feelings could not be greater, the heart floods it’s unsuspecting owner with a wave of emotion that knocks her off her feet.  It fills the spirit to overflowing and doesn’t stop there.

 

The heart is an impractical thing, oblivious to the requirements of day to day existence.  It does not keep to a schedule.  It does not consider other issues when it decides to throw its weight around.  And it is a weighty organ.

 

The heart will cause incredible torment or dizzying happiness with no regard for your work schedule.  When there is a task at hand it willfully downplays the importance of anything but its own agenda.  It is the cause of lack of focus and debilitating distraction.

 

The heart is a fierce thing, able to withstand incredible strain.  It is deceptively strong and resilient.  It can carry far more than it seems it should.  It is the organ upon which all else depends.

 

The heart will reach to point of breaking and continue on.  When all seems dark and without hope it finds the flicker of light and cleaves to it.  It carries its owner through the despair associated with loss, the rush of excitement and the satisfaction of love.  All without complaint or condemnation.  With the glorious momentum of divine purpose.  Without fear.  With great love.  

Emtpy Rooms

After so many years of just me and The Fiend adjusting to having Babydaddy in the picture has been a challenge for all of us. There is a lot that is truly wonderful about the situation.  The Fiend now has a strong relationship with the other half of her.  She gained not only a father but a grandfather.  She and I get to have a break from each other, something I didn’t even realize we needed until we had it.

There are certainly challenges to the arrangement a well.  I don’t want to focus too much on those things.  I feel like acknowledging that they exist and trying to move past them or learn to work with them is the best way to handle them.  But one thing that has cropped up recently is a purely internal challenge.

Babydaddy started taking The Fiend overnight on Tuesdays and Fridays back in February.  This was the first time since she was born that there has been a regular diet of time to myself.  I had been a 24-7 mama for four and a half years.  At first it was lovely to have the time to be myself without the mitigation of motherhood.  And don’t get me wrong, it is still lovely.

The interesting thing that has happened the last few weeks is the emptiness.  I don’t notice it at first.  Then it’s there, at the edges of everything.  It’s not overpowering at that point, just present.  But as the minutes pass it encroaches until it becomes suffocating.  It’s so quiet. 

And in that space that is created the evil twin appears.  She starts bringing up all the worry and insecurity.  She starts second guessing and down playing.  She starts questioning worth and direction.  And there is nothing to distract her.  I’ll wash dishes or fold laundry or sweep floors.  I’ll read or paint or write.  I’ll put on a movie or listen to an audiobook or turn on music.  But nothing chases her away.  Eventually I find I can’t stay in the house.

So I find reasons to leave.  And I stay away until my eyelids droop and I drag myself home.  I crawl into bed and fall into brief but blissful sleep.  I’m always relieved the next night when the rooms are filled again with all the wonderfulness that is The Fiend.  She has become a ward against my worst enemy, myself.

I recognize it isn’t sustainable.  I need to find a way to face the twin and address the doubts that she throws at me.  I have to learn to hold onto my value in all circumstances.  I have to remember how to be myself when I am alone.