Loneliness

My sister and her fiance came to visit us last night.  We had fun playing with the dogs, they have a super cute puppy named Maisy, and hanging with The Fiend.  After I put The Fiend down for bed we chatted about what their plans are.  They joked about who was going to stay home with the babies and how neither of them wanted to change diapers.  We discussed where they want to live and what type of work they want to pursue.

They are a great couple.  Each of them has retained their individuality while still providing an excellent support system for each other.  They are at ease with each other.  I watched them talk openly and honestly about their fears and concerns about getting married without accusation or anger.  Their relationship is one that works because they work at it together.

After they left I found myself dwelling on how I have never been able to achieve that with any of my relationships.  I found myself in a place of doubt, wondering why I haven’t been able to find that, what deficit in my personality makes me a disposable partner.  I began to question what character flaws prevent people from wanting to put work into a relationship with me.

Of course that’s a two way street.  Have I wanted to put work into a relationship?  That’s not a question I have a good answer for right now. 

There have been two men I wanted things to work with, one a long time ago and one more recently.  I was willing to do certain things, but not willing to do others.  When things got difficult, my default position was ending the relationship.  In both cases that is what eventually happened.

I can’t speak for those two men.  I don’t know if they were willing to work to make things work.   I don’t know if they were ready for that commitment.  I can say I was not willing to work.  I was not ready for that commitment.

Perhaps I was just not ready.  Perhaps I have not yet been worthy of that kind of commitment.  Perhaps neither of these men was the right person.  Perhaps I wasn’t the right person.  Whatever the reason, it was not the time. 

I’m trying very hard to bear in mind the most recent example of my ineptitude with relationships is not a condemnation of my character.  Sometimes things don’t work even when you really want them to.  This ties back to my earlier discussion of expectation.  I have never expected a relationship to work.  I have always assumed that the other person would come to their senses and head for the hills.  And either I leave before I get left, or I get left.

All this is evidence of the importance of developing a stronger sense of self-worth.  By not understanding my own value I precluded a successful relationship by presuming failure.  I have a friend who accuses me of putting potential suitors through all sorts of Herculean tasks, but not to prove that they are worthy of me.  Instead I am trying to show them I’m not worth the trouble.  He tells me that I should put men in my life through the tasks, but I need to change the mindset.  They do need to show me that they are worthy of me.  He reminds me I am worthy.

That is hard for me to accept.  I so often find myself convinced that lovers, partners and friends could do so much better.  I assume that there is a certain degree of pity that enters into all of my human interactions.  Intellectually, I understand this to be utter nonsense.  Emotionally, I have a hard time reigning it in.

So after my sister left I had a good cry about my inevitable fate as the cat lady.  Then I gave myself a good mental slap in the face.  This is what I am working on.  And this is why I am working on it.  The self-loathing has become toxic.  I have to learn to love myself as myself.  To detached my value from my relationship status.  To recognize that I am worthy.  To accept love.  To fight for it.  To expect nothing less from those in my life.

It is not an easy road to walk on.  Nobody likes to be lonely.  And right now I am lonely.  After the day slows down and there are no longer any distractions it is hard to ignore the space left behind in someone’s absence.  What I have to learn is space is ok.  It is healthy.  It provides room to grow.  Once I can come to that point of acceptance I will stop being lonely.  I will be with myself.

Emtpy Rooms

After so many years of just me and The Fiend adjusting to having Babydaddy in the picture has been a challenge for all of us. There is a lot that is truly wonderful about the situation.  The Fiend now has a strong relationship with the other half of her.  She gained not only a father but a grandfather.  She and I get to have a break from each other, something I didn’t even realize we needed until we had it.

There are certainly challenges to the arrangement a well.  I don’t want to focus too much on those things.  I feel like acknowledging that they exist and trying to move past them or learn to work with them is the best way to handle them.  But one thing that has cropped up recently is a purely internal challenge.

Babydaddy started taking The Fiend overnight on Tuesdays and Fridays back in February.  This was the first time since she was born that there has been a regular diet of time to myself.  I had been a 24-7 mama for four and a half years.  At first it was lovely to have the time to be myself without the mitigation of motherhood.  And don’t get me wrong, it is still lovely.

The interesting thing that has happened the last few weeks is the emptiness.  I don’t notice it at first.  Then it’s there, at the edges of everything.  It’s not overpowering at that point, just present.  But as the minutes pass it encroaches until it becomes suffocating.  It’s so quiet. 

And in that space that is created the evil twin appears.  She starts bringing up all the worry and insecurity.  She starts second guessing and down playing.  She starts questioning worth and direction.  And there is nothing to distract her.  I’ll wash dishes or fold laundry or sweep floors.  I’ll read or paint or write.  I’ll put on a movie or listen to an audiobook or turn on music.  But nothing chases her away.  Eventually I find I can’t stay in the house.

So I find reasons to leave.  And I stay away until my eyelids droop and I drag myself home.  I crawl into bed and fall into brief but blissful sleep.  I’m always relieved the next night when the rooms are filled again with all the wonderfulness that is The Fiend.  She has become a ward against my worst enemy, myself.

I recognize it isn’t sustainable.  I need to find a way to face the twin and address the doubts that she throws at me.  I have to learn to hold onto my value in all circumstances.  I have to remember how to be myself when I am alone.