It seems as though I’ve had the lion’s share of sadness lately. In the grand scheme of things I know that there are plenty of people in the world who have more to complain about than I. But that doesn’t help on the evenings when I’m caught in the endless spin cycle of my own mind.
There are external influences at play as well as internal ones. I am sad because of other people and the situations they create for themselves and for me. I am sad because of my inability to end negative things and embrace positive ones. I’m sad because my optimistic outlook is starting to lose its shine.
I don’t like feeling this way. It makes me feel like a fraction of myself. Then I end up susceptible to false hopes and empty promises. And those certainly do know to lighten my mood or restore my faith in humanity.
There are positives in my life. That goes without saying. The Fiend is amazing and I am incredibly grateful for her. I have wonderful friends who have been there for me time and again when I have needed them. My parents are supportive and loving. I am surrounded by some of the most fantastic people on the planet.
Which is why it is so odd to me that part of the sadness arises out of a feeling of loneliness. It is as though there is a small empty space that simply isn’t being filled. And even though it is small, I can’t help but be constantly aware of it.
I’m running myself ragged trying to stay busy enough to be distracted. Piling activity on top of activity until there is barely any room to breathe in any given day. Then I just end up tired.
The difficulty is I don’t know what is causing this space. I don’t know how to fill it. I haven’t been successful in ignoring it. I’ve yet to figure out how to live with it.
I don’t want to feel bitter and jaded. I don’t want to expect the worst of everyone. I don’t want to feel as though hope is for fools and love is a joke.
But I am starting to and I don’t know how to stop.