How to Determine if the Rec Staff Has it in for Your Five Year Old

The Fiend was at it again.  That evil child bit another kid at rec.  Well maybe she didn’t bite exactly.  She put her mouth on another kid.  But it left a red mark.  And we don’t put our mouths on other people.

I don’t want to diminish the whole its-unacceptable-to-bite-people thing.  I am a firm believer in non-biting.  I’m a big supporter of the anti-biting doctrine.  I expect The Fiend to keep her incisors to herself.

I really have my doubts as to whether my daughter gumming another child is report worthy.  It’s right up there with the “she’s looking at me” offense.  It seems to me to be one of those things that you deal with in the moment and let go of.

But apparently Amy found it important enough to flag me down as I was trying to usher The Fiend out the door in order to make her appointment on time.  I listened to the story go from biting to kind of biting to The Fiend putting her mouth on another girl.  The Fiend relayed the girl and she had been playing and the girl started to tease her.  The Fiend got frustrated and admittedly inappropriately mock bit the girl.  Didn’t actually bite her, but pretended to.  The important piece of evidence; it left a little red mark.  Obviously a condemnation-worthy event.

I did my motherly duty and explained to The Fiend that biting, even without using teeth, is never acceptable.  She acknowledged the truth of this.  I asked if she had apologized.  She told me she had and Amy corroborated.  It took every scrap of patience I had left after my long day dealing with distressed clients and distressing coworkers to not have a mini temper tantrum regarding why if the whole incident had so nicely resolved itself we were even talking about it.

I can’t help but come away from this situation feeling as though this young woman has it in for The Fiend.  When I have asked other staffers in rec if The Fiend is listening or if there have been problems they always give me a funny look and say she is doing fine.  And although I agree with Amy that The Fiend shouldn’t put her mouth on other kids, at the very least because other kids are nasty, I feel as though it was painted as a much larger issue than it was.  I wonder if she talked to the other girl’s parents about teasing other kids.  I wonder if they were as annoyed by the conversation as I was.

Maybe I’m a mother blind to the faults and failings of her own child.  I somehow doubt it.  Perhaps the issue is more I don’t take kindly to other people dinging The Fiend for her mistakes.  That is slightly more likely.

It is so hard to know when you are coddling and when you taking legitimate affront to unfair attacks.  I expect The Fiend to behave well in all her interactions.  And she does for the most part.  I don’t want to turn a blind eye to burgeoning behavior issues.  At the same time I don’t want to have all my interactions with her discipline related. 

The ultimate goal is a balance.  Being an advocate and a teacher.  Having reasonable expectations and a workable plan for dealing with obstacles.  Praising when appropriate and correcting when necessary.  Loving absolutely through all of it.

It takes faith and trust in yourself and your child.  Parenting is a tightrope walk.  And there is no safety net or do-over.

The Discipline Problem

Every parent dreads having a teacher or rec program staff member ask them “Can I speak to you for a minute?’  It is the signal of your parenting sins coming back to haunt you.

 

Let me preface this story by saying The Fiend has been in day care from eighteen months and has never presented a serious problem to any of her teachers.  She is bossy and stubborn but in the preschool world they work with that.  They gently guide a child to react more positively to situations.

 

Kindergarten is a whole different experience.  And more specifically the after school rec program.  This program puts The Fiend in contact with a significant number of kiddos, far more than she is used to interacting with.  And she is no longer the biggest.  The staffers are certainly underpaid.  And they are horribly outnumbered.

 

So we are at the beginning of week three of this.  It is a huge transition for The Fiend.  I am under the impression that she is handling it very well.  Or at least I was until pick up today.

 

I walked in to find The Fiend playing with another young girl.  As I was trying to gather her up a young woman came up beside me and smiled a bit shyly.  “Hi, I’m Amy.”

 

I stuck out my hand introducing myself.  She continued to smile, “Yeah, I think we’ve already met. Umm, we’re having a problem with listening during rec.”

 

For a moment I was thrown by her use of the word “we”.  After a moment it dawned on me that by “we” she did not mean “the collective”.  Instead she was using “we” to mean “your evil spawn”.

 

“What’s the problem?”

 

“Well, we have meetings and the kids need to sit still during the meetings.  Otherwise it’s really difficult to get things done.  And she,” indicating The Fiend, “doesn’t want to sit still.  She got up to throw away her trash.  I had told her no and she still got up.  And when I asked her to sit aside for five minutes afterward she didn’t want to stay in one place.  I mean I was the same way when I was a kid.”

 

I had no idea what this girl was talking about.  I gathered The Fiend was not being cooperative, but the rest was gibberish.  I carefully studied Amy.  She was barely twenty years old.  I couldn’t tell if she was nervous or just inarticulate.

 

All that aside, I was far from pleased to hear The Fiend was being less than cooperative.  “She did have a long weekend, or is this something that is more consistent?

 

“Oh this is more a consistent thing.”

 

I nodded.  “We will be discussing this then.”

 

The Fiend and I gathered up her belongings, signed her out and went to the car to chat.

 

“Why are you angry?”

 

“I’m angry because your teacher told me you aren’t listening well in rec.  You do understand that you need to listen, right?”

 

“Yes mama.”

 

We talked about it a bit more.  I explained that because there are so many more kids than adults it becomes even more important to listen well so the teachers can keep everyone safe.  It took awhile to reach an understanding.  Eventually The Fiend seemed appropriately apologetic.  “I think we should go back in so you can apologize to Amy.”

 

So we went back inside to look for Amy.  She was busy trying to stop another kindergartener from spinning in circles in the middle of the gym far away from all the other children.  It seemed a bit bizarre to be so focused on a child who was minding her own business and not harming anyone when I had walked by a fourth grader punching a first grader in the gut as we approached her.  Far be it for me to dictate appropriate priorities.

 

Once The Fiend was able to get Amy’s attention she told her she was sorry for not listening.  Amy’s response? “Well you can show me you’re sorry tomorrow by listening, ok?”

 

My jaw dropped.  As far as I am concerned this was a completely inappropriate response to a five year olds apology.  Especially considering the fact the crime committed, while serious, was not egregious.  The Fiend was essentially guilty of being five.

 

The Fiend and I continued to talk about why it is so important to listen well.  Babydaddy stopped by to talk to her about it as well.  We ended the night well with a lot of reading and a big ol’ lovefest.

 

This is the part that I struggle with.  Being a mom alone means that I have to leave The Fiend in the care of others for a good chunk of the day.  This is something that has always bothered me.  It becomes even more troublesome now.  The rec program is huge.  The adults are stretched pretty thin.  And as evidenced by Amy’s interactions, not all of them have the patience required to deal with children.

 

Babydaddy said last night that The Fiend needs to know her place.  I would agree that she needs to listen better.  I expect her to be cooperative and respectful.  She can be super sassy.  It is something we have been working with and trying to improve. 

 

The thing is, I admire her tenacity.  I don’t want to “break her spirit”.  The thing that frustrates me so much about her sometimes will serve her well in the future.  And the thought of sometime twenty year old rec worker with no training in how to deal with children scolding The Fiend at every turn scares me.  Based on Amy’s response to The Fiend’s apology, I think it should.