Doodle of the Day

On Doubting

Part of the trouble with being afforded so many options is having so many options.  How could you ever be sure you made the right choice when there are so many things to choose from?

I often find myself playing the shoulda, coulda, woulda game.  I must subconsciously like it a lot more than I think I do, because I play it all the time.

I wonder how much energy each of us expends over the course of our lives second guessing ourselves?  My guess is it would be an uncomfortably large amount.

And we aren’t content to just second guess.  We dwell.  We beat ourselves up.  We convince ourselves that we made the wrongest decision in the history of wrong decisions.

But we didn’t.  We made the right decision for the life we are living right now.  And if we don’t like that life, than we should do something differently.  And if that doesn’t work, do it again.  Lather. Rinse. Repeat.

So here’s my proposal.  We should stop digging our own ruts.  We should stop undermining our own progress.  We should stop sabotaging our own happiness.

Instead we should live for the future.  We should not be afraid to make mistakes.  And when we make mistakes, we should acknowledge them, take the lesson offered and leave the rest in our wake.  We should continue to grow and to change.  We should laugh in the face of adversity, smile when the going gets tough and revel in how much life exists in hard lessons.

Let’s face it, life is short.  If you spend the majority of it ruminating and how badly you’ve done it so far, you’re squandering your opportunity to do it better.  So just do it better.

The Hawk and the Hare

It was brilliantly white.  The whole world was blanketed, settled in for the season, dreaming of spring.  There were few sounds in the crisp air of morning.  The brave winter birds sang their defiant songs, the wind whistled through the bare trees and her footfalls echoed over the field.

 

She stopped at the top of the hill and shielded her eyes with her hand.  There was purity to all the whiteness.  It made her feel as though the world was new.  As though it was all wide open.  As though anything was possible.

 

Movement caught her attention.  A hawk soared over the field.  Its flight was effortless and majestic.  There was an economy to the loping circles.  No wasted effort, no energy expended without purpose.

 

A very different quality of motion diverted her attention.  The hare bounded across the field.  Its zigzagging trajectory was erratic and frenetic.  There was an excess of energy in each movement.  It jumped to and fro without apparent direction.

 

Had the hawk seen the hare?  For a moment it seemed as though the hare’s progress had gone unnoticed.  But as she watched she realized the hawk’s circles were slowly growing tighter and closer.  The hawk’s vantage point allowed it to see everything.  It had the advantage of broad vision.

 

The hare was focused on its own progression over the snowy landscape.  It seemed unaware of its surroundings.  She wondered if she should try and scare it off in order to save it.  The hare’s point of view did not afford it the luxury of the big picture.

 

The hawk dove.  The hare darted to the side.  It was more aware than she had thought.  The hawk followed the hare’s changeable course.  The hare was too fast, too unpredictable.  The hawk rose and fell in a predatory spiral while the hare kept to its defensive escape route.  The movements were mesmerizing.

 

Then the hare stopped.  The hawk seemed nearly as surprised by this as she was.  It drew back as the hare pushed up from its huddled stance.  The hare was still, its white fur barely perceptible against the snow. 

 

The hawk hung above the hare for a time.  It did not dive or swoop.  It merely circled watching its prey.  The hare did not move.

 

She gasped as the hawk dove one final time.  The hare pressed itself to the ground and the hawk pulled up back into the wide open sky.  It made its way higher, becoming a black dot against blue sky.  The hare continued its interrupted trek across the field into the underbrush at the forest’s edge.

 

There was a calm in the aftermath.  She replayed the ballet of predator and prey in her mind.  It was one that both animals had surely participated in before.  This had been different. The prey had stood its ground and the predator had backed down.  It was a draw.

 

In the dazzling white of the winter morning it became clear.  The world did not contain forgone conclusions.  The expected outcome should not be assumed.  The world was constantly reborn.  Faith was constantly renewed.  Anything was possible.

Last Day

We all are being inundated with lists of the most, the best, the worst, the craziest fill in the blank of 2008.  It is a time of year when we seem to collectively look back and assess the last twelve months.  Quite frankly I have no patience for it.

That’s not to say I don’t see the value in looking back.  We certainly shouldn’t ignore where we’ve come from.  There is a lot to be learned from what we’ve done.

I want to look forward to what’s to come.  I want to focus my energy on making dreams, hopes and wishes realities.  I want to get excited about the unknown.

I will learn from the past, but I won’t live there.  I will accept mistakes have been made, but I will let them go.  I will look back on the good times fondly, but commit to creating even better times in the future.

There is so much to be grateful for, even when things seem dark at this the darkest part of the year.  The light is returning, and it is important to remember that. 

This day is not the end of something.  This day is the leaping point for more laughter, tears, joy, friendship and love.

Happiness Is…

A good friend and I were having a conversation about happiness.  I told him, “My life might be crazy a lot of the time, but I am, for the most part, happy.”

 

Then I realized how true a statement it was.  When I step away from the events or situations that have caused difficulty or pain I feel a deep contentment.  I have beautiful daughter, fantastic friends and supportive family.  I have a safe home, clean water to drink, healthy food to eat and many amenities that other citizens of the planet consider to be luxuries.  I do my best to be a good person and although I am far from perfect, I am good enough.

 

Everybody experiences hardship.  Everybody experiences sadness.  Everybody experiences frustration.  I have clung to those emotions and made my world about them at certain points in my life.  But what became clear to me last night is happiness is not the absence of those emotions, it is the acceptance of them.  And not a defeated “my life is total crap” acceptance.  A “how would I appreciate the light without the dark” acceptance. 

 

Happiness is not:

 

·         A geographic location

·         who you are with

·         what you own

·         where you have traveled

 

Happiness is:

 

·         a state of mind

·         who you are

·         what you have accomplished

·         peace in your heart

·         acceptance in your mind

·         comfort in your skin

·         love of yourself

 

Nobody can give it to you and nobody can take it away.  You are responsible for your own and no one else’s.  If you do not care for it, you may lose it.  If you nurture it, it will grow.  I for one am recommitting to fostering my own happiness.  I think we all should.

Fear, Mediocrity and Love

I had a conversation last night with a friend about the end of his most recent relationship.  A major theme was a difference in where the two were at in their lives.  His ex, a mother of two and career woman, was looking for commitment and stability.  He wasn’t ready to let go of freedom.  He wanted to be able to travel or go to school.  Listening to him talk about these differences it became clear that he believed them to be desires which could not co-exist.  Compromises would have been made which would have inevitably led to remorse and resentment.  As I watched him work through these issues I was struck by the tremendous sense of loss that he seemed to be grappling with. 

 

He described the end of the relationship as an illuminating experience.  There seemed to be this realization that perhaps the situation wasn’t as much of a compromise as he thought.   He talked about wanting to continue spending time with the kids because of the deep connection he felt to them.  But then he would say that he was able to make to commitment that she wanted and he knew that it hurt her.  The struggle was between this vision he had for himself and the reality of his emotion for this family he had become a part of.

 

I began to think about my own situation and the issues that had come up for me.  I look at myself as a single mother and have a hard time feeling secure in relationships.  The reasons for those insecurities are exactly what had happened in this case.  My life is settled to a certain extent because I am a mother.  My life requires a certain degree of stability because of the responsibilities I have.  I have assumed these attributes to be a deal breaker for most men.  I had thought that most men were not ready willing or able to commit to a domestic life with a single mother.

 

My observation of my friend’s situation, admittedly tinted by the lens of my own experience and limited knowledge of the situation, was that the desire to make the commitment was there.  He wanted to be a part of this family.  He wanted to be there for this woman.  The real obstacle in the relationship was fear.  The fear of mediocrity.

 

As human beings we have a deep desire to be exceptional.  We want to stand out.  To have a skill or ability that sets us apart.  To lead an unparalleled life.  For many people the life of parent, spouse, homeowner and employee is completely contrary to that desire.  There is nothing exceptional in that life.  It is mundane.  It is conventional.

 

My great ephinany last night is how untrue that is.  My friend had asked me how I reconcile my own desires with being a mother.  What I couldn’t articulate in the conversation was that there is no reconciliation required.  I didn’t stop being me when The Fiend came into the world.  Becoming a mother did not make me half a person.  It made me a whole person.

 

There have been some changes.  But they have been positive changes.  It is so easy to talk about all the things you want to do when you are free of real responsibility.  That doesn’t mean you follow through on any of it.  In fact in most cases you don’t.  And perhaps because you don’t have responsibilities.  Because you haven’t learned the balancing act.

 

It is folly to view parenting as putting your life on hold.  It is an exercise in effectively utilizing your time.  I still have all the same desires.  The difference between pre-Fiend me and post-Fiend me is that I have actually accomplished some of those things.  Being a parent is a motivating thing.  And it should be.  It is a matter of accepting the grace and inspiration that is part of that gift.

 

I want to be the best person that I can for The Fiend, but more importantly for myself.  I want to be a role model and an inspiration for my child.  I want to proud of my accomplishments both as a parent and as a person.  And I want to support The Fiend in her pursuit of the same things.

 

And it is no different in a romantic relationship.  Your job as a partner is to provide support.  If both partners are doing there job, the burden of the mundane is shared leaving more time for the exceptional.  If someone I loved really deeply wanted to go back to school, my job is to figure out how best to support them in that pursuit.  I my deepest desire is to have time to devote to painting it becomes my partner’s job to encourage that in practical and emotional ways.  The person you are in love with should motivate you, support you and sustain you.  The person you love should make you whole.

 

Now understand when I say The Fiend makes me whole or that a lover should make you whole, I am not implying that I wasn’t or couldn’t be without these things.  Love does not detract from the whole of you.  It supports your wholeness.  It amplifies it.  Love does not create mediocrity.  It banishes it.

 

The reason is love at its most basic level is wanting to be your best and wanting to help those you love be their’s.  So few of us ever successfully do this.  So few of us create a family in the truest sense of that word.  So few of us are able to transcend the hollow desire for a false sense of “freedom”.  So few of us are able to understand that true freedom comes from true love. 

 

True love is rare and precious.  And accepting it into your life will make you exceptional more surely than any trip or class or lifestyle.  Running from it will only leave you with regret and remorse.  Running from it will make you mediocre.

The Necessity of Hope

Humans are inherently optimistic creatures.  We want to believe the best in each other.  We want to believe that things can change.  We want to believe that everything will be alright.

 

And we should.  It is when the heart closes, when the soul becomes bitter and the spirit jaded we become less.  Discontent breeds despair. When we lose hope we lose.

 

When instead we open our hearts to the possibility of joy or beauty we become capable of those things.  Optimism is the food of the divine within each of us.  Without it life becomes dull and rote.

 

Not everything will go our way all the time.  That is simply reality.  But when we stop expecting good things to happen, they will stop happening.  It is important to hold onto to the hope that there is something better on the horizon.  To accept that the reason one thing did not work was to make room for something different.

 

It certainly is not easy to remain hopeful.  There are obstacles thrown in our paths regularly.  But I am committing to not throwing up my hands and throwing in the towel.  I am determined to take the situations in my life that could drag me down and learn from them in order to build me up.  I will accept the things I did not achieve were not meant to be.  There will be no hiding from the mistakes I’ve made so I will not be doomed to repeat them.  Laughter will carry me through.  Good friends will remind me to stay on course.  Hope will help me heal.

The Machinations of the Human Heart

 The heart is a fickle thing, prone to fits of passion.  It does not respond well to logic or reason.  It has no use for accountability or consequences.  It is an organ which does not play nicely with the other organs, especially the brain.

 

The heart will forge on blindly even though all indications point toward liberally applying the brakes.  When it seems as though the smartest thing to do would be to walk away before you are hurt, the heart plants it’s feet and refuses to budge.  In situations which are clearly best left alone, the heart pushes pokes and prods.

 

The heart is a tender thing, a wellspring of great joy and contentment.  It is the source of the sweetness of new love.  It is the keeper of acceptance and peace.  It is an organ awash in optimism.

 

The heart will burn hotly for a person deemed worthy.  When it seems as though feelings could not be greater, the heart floods it’s unsuspecting owner with a wave of emotion that knocks her off her feet.  It fills the spirit to overflowing and doesn’t stop there.

 

The heart is an impractical thing, oblivious to the requirements of day to day existence.  It does not keep to a schedule.  It does not consider other issues when it decides to throw its weight around.  And it is a weighty organ.

 

The heart will cause incredible torment or dizzying happiness with no regard for your work schedule.  When there is a task at hand it willfully downplays the importance of anything but its own agenda.  It is the cause of lack of focus and debilitating distraction.

 

The heart is a fierce thing, able to withstand incredible strain.  It is deceptively strong and resilient.  It can carry far more than it seems it should.  It is the organ upon which all else depends.

 

The heart will reach to point of breaking and continue on.  When all seems dark and without hope it finds the flicker of light and cleaves to it.  It carries its owner through the despair associated with loss, the rush of excitement and the satisfaction of love.  All without complaint or condemnation.  With the glorious momentum of divine purpose.  Without fear.  With great love.  

Inviting Expectation

One of the themes of recent weeks is beginning to understand the difference between wanting and expecting.  This is what I have figured out.  Wanting something will usually only leave you with the wanting.  Expecting something tends to draw it to you.

Let me put it another way; wanting something leaves yourself open to the opportunity to doubt. Wanting something implies that it is someone else’s decision as to whether or not you get it.  Wanting something leaves the getting of that thing to fate.

By changing your perspective you begin to manifest.  By expecting something you believe it is deserved.  Expecting something gives you the ability to decide where and when you receive that thing.  Expecting something empowers you to get that thing of your own volition.

Expectation is something that has held a negative connotation for me for a long time.  I always thought that having expectations was a sign of an over-active ego.  I have realized that the reason I felt that way was because of my own ego was so shaky.  There is nothing wrong with having expectations.  It is not a sign of narcissism, it is a sign of healthy self-love.  Of course that is provided you have reasonable expectations.  Expecting to be queen of the universe might be a sign of megalomania.

A wonderful woman I know often refers to being gentle with herself in her writing.  She, like so many of us, is on the journey to discovering how to do that.  For me being mindful of the difference between wanting and expecting is part of that.  Remembering my own value is part of that.  Knowing that I deserve certain things is part of that.

What are the things that I should, that anyone should, expect?  Kindness, compassion, understanding, patience, acceptance, forgiveness, laughter, tears, joy, beauty and most importantly unconditional love.