I had a conversation last night with a friend about the end of his most recent relationship. A major theme was a difference in where the two were at in their lives. His ex, a mother of two and career woman, was looking for commitment and stability. He wasn’t ready to let go of freedom. He wanted to be able to travel or go to school. Listening to him talk about these differences it became clear that he believed them to be desires which could not co-exist. Compromises would have been made which would have inevitably led to remorse and resentment. As I watched him work through these issues I was struck by the tremendous sense of loss that he seemed to be grappling with.
He described the end of the relationship as an illuminating experience. There seemed to be this realization that perhaps the situation wasn’t as much of a compromise as he thought. He talked about wanting to continue spending time with the kids because of the deep connection he felt to them. But then he would say that he was able to make to commitment that she wanted and he knew that it hurt her. The struggle was between this vision he had for himself and the reality of his emotion for this family he had become a part of.
I began to think about my own situation and the issues that had come up for me. I look at myself as a single mother and have a hard time feeling secure in relationships. The reasons for those insecurities are exactly what had happened in this case. My life is settled to a certain extent because I am a mother. My life requires a certain degree of stability because of the responsibilities I have. I have assumed these attributes to be a deal breaker for most men. I had thought that most men were not ready willing or able to commit to a domestic life with a single mother.
My observation of my friend’s situation, admittedly tinted by the lens of my own experience and limited knowledge of the situation, was that the desire to make the commitment was there. He wanted to be a part of this family. He wanted to be there for this woman. The real obstacle in the relationship was fear. The fear of mediocrity.
As human beings we have a deep desire to be exceptional. We want to stand out. To have a skill or ability that sets us apart. To lead an unparalleled life. For many people the life of parent, spouse, homeowner and employee is completely contrary to that desire. There is nothing exceptional in that life. It is mundane. It is conventional.
My great ephinany last night is how untrue that is. My friend had asked me how I reconcile my own desires with being a mother. What I couldn’t articulate in the conversation was that there is no reconciliation required. I didn’t stop being me when The Fiend came into the world. Becoming a mother did not make me half a person. It made me a whole person.
There have been some changes. But they have been positive changes. It is so easy to talk about all the things you want to do when you are free of real responsibility. That doesn’t mean you follow through on any of it. In fact in most cases you don’t. And perhaps because you don’t have responsibilities. Because you haven’t learned the balancing act.
It is folly to view parenting as putting your life on hold. It is an exercise in effectively utilizing your time. I still have all the same desires. The difference between pre-Fiend me and post-Fiend me is that I have actually accomplished some of those things. Being a parent is a motivating thing. And it should be. It is a matter of accepting the grace and inspiration that is part of that gift.
I want to be the best person that I can for The Fiend, but more importantly for myself. I want to be a role model and an inspiration for my child. I want to proud of my accomplishments both as a parent and as a person. And I want to support The Fiend in her pursuit of the same things.
And it is no different in a romantic relationship. Your job as a partner is to provide support. If both partners are doing there job, the burden of the mundane is shared leaving more time for the exceptional. If someone I loved really deeply wanted to go back to school, my job is to figure out how best to support them in that pursuit. I my deepest desire is to have time to devote to painting it becomes my partner’s job to encourage that in practical and emotional ways. The person you are in love with should motivate you, support you and sustain you. The person you love should make you whole.
Now understand when I say The Fiend makes me whole or that a lover should make you whole, I am not implying that I wasn’t or couldn’t be without these things. Love does not detract from the whole of you. It supports your wholeness. It amplifies it. Love does not create mediocrity. It banishes it.
The reason is love at its most basic level is wanting to be your best and wanting to help those you love be their’s. So few of us ever successfully do this. So few of us create a family in the truest sense of that word. So few of us are able to transcend the hollow desire for a false sense of “freedom”. So few of us are able to understand that true freedom comes from true love.
True love is rare and precious. And accepting it into your life will make you exceptional more surely than any trip or class or lifestyle. Running from it will only leave you with regret and remorse. Running from it will make you mediocre.